In my most recent therapy session I was talking about how I felt like people (including my wife) wouldn’t want to stay in my life if they really knew me. My therapist stopped me and asked what deep, dark secrets I was hiding that would scare people away. What was one thing about me I felt like people couldn’t handle. I mean…well there is…I feel like….
I really hate it when my therapist asks me questions I can’t answer.
But it is so important that she asks them. I can’t answer those questions because I’ve never allowed, or more accurately my depression and anxiety, have never let me ask those questions. And only once they are asked can I truly start to see myself.
I feel like people won’t want to know me because of my depression. My depression makes me feel like I am unknowable, unlovable. It makes me feel like the I am broken and need to be discarded. It makes me feel like I am so revolting that there is not even a word for it, like the festering pain I feel is an infected, pustulating wound that no one can look at or be around.
But here is the really cool thing. The people in my life who are most important know about my depression and accept me. Because my depression may make me feel like I am not worth knowing, but that is just a lie. I am worth knowing. And I promise, so are you, dear reader. So. Are. You.