Hello Darkness My Old Friend

Last night my depression came back. Fuck. I’d been doing so well too. I curled on the couch watching Netflix, thankful for my cat and my wife. Wishing I could be more present with them. I saw them, I heard them, but felt like I wasn’t able to really connect with them.

Recognizing it as a depressive episode and knowing it will pass is a huge step. It took me years of therapy just to get to that point. But for now that is a hollow comfort. Today is hard and there is no getting around that. 

The only reason I was able to force myself into work today was because it is a light day. I don’t have any meetings or client calls. I can just put my headphones on and not have to deal with people. That way I can save sick days for when I do need them. When I do have to deal with people, but I know I just can’t face them. 

And the only reason I forced myself to post this is because if I’m going to have a mental health blog then I need to show the bad days. I need to show the days that really fucking suck. Hopefully people will see those days and they will see that it does get better. And hopefully I’ll be able to keep that in mind until this depression lifts.

 

Positivity is always welcome on these dark days.

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10 thoughts on “Hello Darkness My Old Friend

  1. Hi 🌸
    Blogging doesn’t always have to be positive. Quite frankly it’s YOUR blog, YOUR decision – so don’t apologize. And people need to see these posts and understand that the stiff smiles we throw on our faces aren’t really real – that there is a side that they don’t see if we can help it.
    I’m not going to tell you that it’s going to be rough for a while. You already know this. I’m not going to tell you that it will get better eventually because I’m guessing you know this too.
    I AM going to tell you that in your word and the very fact that you were able to write this, shows me a resiliance, a strength that can be the most powerful tools for you. To me, since you are asking for positivity, that is so important to have.
    Thank you for sharing a piece of reality.

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    1. Thank you for this. You’re absolutely right. Living with mental illness is a struggle at times and it is important for the blog to reflect that. Thank you for your honest and kind comments!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Juan, you are strong and good. Thank you for your words. They resonate with me and with so many. You are NOT alone. Posting on your darkest days is an act of strength, not weakness. I have carried depression with me for 36 years and have only just grasped that it is strong to reach out – in any way I can.
    Please, please, please seek out professional support if you haven’t. Please ask for support from those around you. Please keep working to turn things around. I know so well how hard it is and how every depressive setback feels like Square 1 all over again. It isn’t. Keep writing, keep going, keep striving. Keep being you. Keep being a survivor. I will if you will.
    http://www.depression-survivor.com

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    1. Thank you so much for your kindness! I do have a therapist I see and one of her recommendations was to write things down. I figured fuck it maybe someone else will identify with the struggle I am going through. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your comment. And I hope opening up after carrying your depression for so long is helping you as well.

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  3. Hi Juan.. it was a great insight to understand the episodes of anxiety n how they hit the mind. n you shared it here on your blog is just great. people reading your blog appreciate your openness. I do have a friend who undergoes like these episodes of anxiety. I could empathize with her state of mind. I will definitely ask her to write her feelings n relax her mind.
    Take care.
    all the best.
    keep writing. would love to read more..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I once described my darkness as familiar yet repugnant. After living with it for 40+ years, and after nearly taking my life, it’s no longer a friend. I’m sure you understand. Be well.

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  5. Hi Juan, Thanks for sharing with us! We’ve all been there, and it’s comforting to know we aren’t alone. You are right, this will pass! I look forward to reading more of what you have to say. Be gentle with yourself!

    Liked by 1 person

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