I started this blog to be therapeutic. Therapeutic to me, sure, because writing helps me and having readers would make me more disciplined about writing, but also therapeutic to others who might read my thoughts and experiences and know they are not alone. And it would be great, too, if it shed light about the reality of living with mental illnesses to those who are fortunate enough to live without them. But some days, like today, those goals seem like a fucking joke.
They seem like a joke because there are literally no words to describe the torment of living with mental illness, the frustration of trying to only say and act in a positive way, despite 90 percent of the thoughts in your head being negative; but if you let those thoughts out, if you shared a shred of the darkness that makes it hard to love yourself then you know no one else will ever love you and everyone will leave; the frustration of fighting to the point of near exhaustion just to keep your head above water and being told that it isn’t enough, or that you just need to be stronger, as if that is somehow fucking possible; the frustration of biting your tongue to not lash out at people who care about you when they are critical of you because you already fucking know you aren’t good enough, you don’t need the reminder; and you want them to be able to be critical of you and honest with you about how you can be better even if you don’t believe some days that you can be better; and what the fuck, they still being so damn critical even though you’re really, really trying.
And yes, I know that was one giant run on sentence. I don’t fucking care. Because right now the best metaphor I can think of is a illogical run on sentence, broken up by semicolons that probably weren’t used correctly because who the fuck really knows how to use those things except depression and suicide survivors who know that if they are lucky, if you get help, that life and the illogical struggle of mental illness doesn’t have a period in it, only a semicolon.
Author’s note: For those who aren’t aware, the semicolon is an unofficial symbol of mental health awareness generally, and many use it as a symbol for suicide prevention specifically, given that it means a pause, not an end.