Fuck it. And How Do I Use This Semicolon Anyway?

I started this blog to be therapeutic. Therapeutic to me, sure, because writing helps me and having readers would make me more disciplined about writing, but also therapeutic to others who might read my thoughts and experiences and know they are not alone. And it would be great, too, if it shed light about the reality of living with mental illnesses to those who are fortunate enough to live without them. But some days, like today, those goals seem like a fucking joke.

They seem like a joke because there are literally no words to describe the torment of living with mental illness, the frustration of trying to only say and act in a positive way, despite 90 percent of the thoughts in your head being negative; but if you let those thoughts out, if you shared a shred of the darkness that makes it hard to love yourself then you know no one else will ever love you and everyone will leave; the frustration of fighting to the point of near exhaustion just to keep your head above water and being told that it isn’t enough, or that you just need to be stronger, as if that is somehow fucking possible; the frustration of biting your tongue to not lash out at people who care about you when they are critical of you because you already fucking know you aren’t good enough, you don’t need the reminder; and you want them to be able to be critical of you and honest with you about how you can be better even if you don’t believe some days that you can be better; and what the fuck, they still being so damn critical even though you’re really, really trying.

 

And yes, I know that was one giant run on sentence. I don’t fucking care. Because right now the best metaphor I can think of is a illogical run on sentence, broken up by semicolons that probably weren’t used correctly because who the fuck really knows how to use those things except depression and suicide survivors who know that if they are lucky, if you get help, that life and the illogical struggle of mental illness doesn’t have a period in it, only a semicolon.

semicolon

Author’s note: For those who aren’t aware, the semicolon is an unofficial symbol of mental health awareness generally, and many use it as a symbol for suicide prevention specifically, given that it means a pause, not an end.

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4 thoughts on “Fuck it. And How Do I Use This Semicolon Anyway?

  1. Yeah. I identify completely with what you are saying. I am beginning to climb out of a month long hole of shit. My therapist explained it to me as brain-flu. It’s hell. I know my comment isn’t probably helpful and you might not believe me, but I know where you are, I’ve been there. It’s hell. And like those annoying people say, “If you’re going through Hell, keep walking.” What really helped me was recognizing it as kind of a flu and allowing myself to be weak and not do a damned thing, like when you get hit with a really bad flu. So yeah. You are not crazy, you’re going through some fucked up brain shit that you can’t control. I’m here if it helps.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s so hard to stay positive all the time, especially in blog posts and on social media, but if you say something negatively people just think it’s out of the blue even though you’ve been feeling like it for months but just tried your hardest not to say anything. A lot of people end up having breaks from social media for this exact thing, because they feel like they have to be positive all the time. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and how you are feeling though, it can help others realise that its okay to feel this way, not everyone is so happy and positive all the time!

    Chloe x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for recognizing the reality that this blog isn’t always going to be upbeat (I’m the name should be a hint but you never know what people expect)

      Like

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