I Hate This Part

I’ve been struggling with several bad days of depression this week. Bad enough to force me to use a sick day yesterday because I couldn’t focus or handle dealing with people. Today I’m at least able to focus enough to work from home, despite still not being able to leave the house or deal with people. I hate this part. As much as I understand about my depression, as much as I work to manage it, I know I am still going to have bad days like I’m having right now.

It’s the emptiness and isolation that sucks, the detachment from things and people you know you enjoy. It’s feeling lazy, useless, it’s feeling like a failure because you weren’t strong enough today and you feel like that is no one’s fault but you’re own, even if you know it is just the lies your brain is treacherously telling you. It’s having a person you can’t stand to be around and that person is looking back at you in the mirror. It’s all of these things that I hate about this part.

It’s not seeing the progress you’ve made. It’s not being able to get out of bed while staring at your clock knowing that you should. It’s people who care about you wanting to help, and not being able to communicate that by just being there they already are helping. It sucks.

And the self-help tools you’ve learned don’t do anything as the whispers in the darkness from your depression become roars. Your bed torments you because all you want to do is lie down, but you’re already lying down. You try to sleep but the darkness won’t let you rest from its melancholy world for more than a few hours so instead you toss and turn as you’re tormented by its misery.

Like I said, I hate this part. I hate posting on this forum that I’ve had a setback, that right now things aren’t looking up at all. I hate all of it. So hopefully my next post will be able to be more positive.

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