It seems impossible to turn on the news these days without some discussion of the wall that some want to build on the border and that others oppose. I don’t care where you fall on the debate, but the idea of the wall has gotten me thinking about my own walls. The emotional kind I mean.
A side effect of my depression is that I struggle with accurately viewing my own self-worth. Frankly, I don’t like myself very much most days, but I don’t want to face that fact so I build walls around that self-loathing and pretend it doesn’t exist. This isn’t a healthy way to live and it is one of the many things my therapist and I are working on. Honestly, that woman is earning her money with all the issues of mine she needs to fix.
The problem with my wall is it doesn’t actual protect me. It lets the negative feelings I’ve developed fester inside, while not letting people through to help me heal. Few have ever gotten past my walls. Some of those people have hurt me badly, causing me to dig in deeper and build the wall higher (I assume digging in deeper is involved in fortifying walls, but I don’t actually have any idea. I probably should have gone with another metaphor but too late now).
I’m more aware of my wall now, thanks to the work I’ve done with my therapist. Unfortunately, I am also more aware of the harm that wall causes, not just to me, but to others as well. I deflect other’s criticisms, even when I value their opinion. I deflect because I don’t want holes poked in my wall, forcing me to face the things about myself I don’t like. I deflect, but that isn’t fair to them or to me. And I am sorry to those people who have to deal with my bullshit when I am deflecting, even if I can’t always voice that.
I hope someday soon to completely tear down my wall. I don’t know if I can. I don’t even know what that would look like, what I would look like if that were to happen. But that is my goal. Maybe I’ll only be able to make those barriers smaller. Like a fence, an emotional fence, is that a thing? Either way, it will be better than what I have now.
P.S. I just read this through again and am totally aware that sometimes I refer to walls plural and sometimes it is a singular wall. I thought about changing this, but honestly that is how it feels so I am leaving it in. My wall is talented like that, switching back and forth from plural to singular. Some might say this is grammatically incorrect and confusing. I would say that any walls in this context are incorrect and confusing. That is actually kind of the point of this post.