I Think. Therefore I Hate Myself. Sometimes

I think, therefore I am. The philosopher René Descartes said that. He was an idiot. All the philosophers were, they were just good at making their bullshit sound deep and meaningful. I actually don’t believe that I’m just jealous of how they got to sit around in a room writing down whatever popped into their head and call it a career while I’m tied to a 9-5 desk. But I’m getting off track.

I am very conscious in my therapy sessions and in real life that I preface something by saying “I think.” And I hate this. I don’t think I hate this, I know I do. It is this annoying habit that allows me an out if I end up being wrong. Essentially, even when I know I’m right, I lack the confidence to stand by it, so I qualify what I know by saying I think. You know what I mean?

It is a byproduct of my anxiety, this need to qualify everything I say, to feel hesitant about taking a firm position without allowing myself the possibility of an out because for fuck’s sake it might be wrong or someone might not like me for it.

And the thing is I’ve obviously been wrong many times. I’ve screwed up like the best of them, and as far as I know no one has ever rejected me for it. Nor, for that matter has anyone rejected me for my opinions. Well, except for one drunk Red Sox fan who was pissed I was at Fenway but cheering for the other team, but honestly drunk Red Sox fans are a breed unto themselves and they cannot be reasoned with.

I think. I like how thoughtful I am, but I hate how I use the phrase, because I use it as a safety blanket, preventing me from taking a stand with pride. I think and therefore I hate myself. At least every time I use that phrase. Obviously, whatever it is that I am saying is what I am thinking. Otherwise I wouldn’t be saying it.

Yet I know the answer to my problem. It starts with forgiving myself, and from there takes baby steps towards not qualifying everything I say, but simply saying it, simply letting me be me. I don’t need to say I think. I just need to have the confidence to get to the point where I don’t feel the need to say it. And I think I’ll start today. 

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One thought on “I Think. Therefore I Hate Myself. Sometimes

  1. Thank you for your post. I “think” I can relate. I qualify things very often. I’ve hated myself for decades. It’s in my last thoughts of the day and in my waking thoughts. I think I qualify because I can’t bear anymore hate piling on. Forgiveness might be the key that I just can’t grasp. All the best.

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