I’ve never understood April Fool’s Day. Seriously, if I wanted someone to play tricks on me I would go to a magic show or a carnival or something. But mostly, I think I don’t understand April Fool’s Day because everyday is April Fool’s Day for my mental illness, except it celebrates it in the most dark and fucked up and twisted ways possible, as it whispers lies to you about how you’re never good enough, how you’ll never amount to anything, how you should just quit now. It is so good at its lies that sometimes you’re only defense is to say fuck it and stay in bed to avoid a world it has twisted into something scary and anxiety inducing. Except then you’re just locking yourself in with the crazy, but you’re depression has taken all the energy you had that could have helped you do something to improve your condition, and so instead you just lie there and if you are lucky you realize that your mental illness is pretty much the worst April Fool’s Day trick your mind could play on you, and it isn’t even limited to just one day.
Over the last few years, as I’ve explored different tools that might help me battle these demons, I feel they’ve picked up the intensity of their lies and twistedness of their tricks as the demons desperately tried to prevent me from getting new weapons for my battle.
So today, I look at every social media post and every person offering me something at work with an air of suspicion that is well honed since my anxiety basically causes me to assume everyone doesn’t like me and that it is a giant trick that is being played on me and so the one day where that is openly a thing has never been something I’ve understood.
When I was a kid my dad always came in on April Fool’s day to say it was snowing. One year the whole family had decided we weren’t going to fall for it this time, except that nature was apparently in cahoots with my dad on this particular day because is was actually snowing. This has been how much of my whole life has gone where I finally decide what is real and what are just lies fed to me by my mental illness only to realize that even when I think I know, I don’t actually know anything, thus triggering the downward spiral of doubt and anxiety and depression.
That said, here are some things that my brain plays tricks on me about, but that deep down I know are true, and hopefully hearing these facts will help you too:
- Depression lies, so does generalized anxiety disorder.
- If you are struggling, know that you are not alone, no matter how much you feel like you are alone. Often times the people who seem like they have all their shit together have merely become better at putting on a mask and pretending everything is okay.
- There are tools available to help, and
- there is no shame in seeking help. Mental illness is not a weakness. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Especially the demons in you head that are lying to you, because they are just playing a horribly fucked up April Fool’s Day trick on you and are wickedly playing it on you all year round.
Don’t fall for it.