At the beginning of this week, I had several meetings that ended in no-shows, rescheduling, or cancellations. Logically, I know this is just the product of a corporate world where things come up, meetings get moved, etc. Yet my mental illnesses will use any excuse to play tricks on me.
My first thought is that I must have made a mistake, so I go back and look at my calendar, baffled by the fact that the appointment in question matches the current day and time. I then find myself wondering what I am missing, because clearly it must be my fault.
Inevitably I realize I have the right time, check my email or check in with who I was supposed to be meeting with, and usually find out that their previous meeting is running long or something like that. Then begins the process of figuring out if we need to reschedule, and if so, when. Meanwhile, in the back of my mind my demons whisper their little lies that it was just that that person didn’t want to meet with me, even though I can see on the shared calendar the conflict they are referring to.
Because even when there is obvious evidence staring you in the face that your mental illnesses are lying to you, you still struggle because they are cunning demons, making you doubt everything. It is such an exhausting process of fighting back against them that you will likely be distracted by the chaos in your brain if and when the elusive meeting ever happens, or else you’ll be too tired from the fight to be at a hundred percent.
Then you remember you hate meetings and wonder why you were so stressed about the fact they weren’t happening. Then that realization makes you stress out more, exhausting you until the only meeting you want is one between your head and your pillow, except that meeting doesn’t happen either because you are so stressed and anxious you can’t sleep.
That has been how my whole week has gone. Thankfully it is Friday and I don’t have any meetings to worry about.