Mental illnesses can be incredibly isolating, and can make you feel like you are the only one fucking shit up. At least that is the case for me. Even though I know that making mistakes is human, I feel like every mistake I make is glaring and obvious, and that the whole world is judging me for it. Despite all my accomplishments, I feel like I am worthless inside at times. Like I am damaged. Broken. And I fear that when people see that, they will turn away.
And so I try to deflect any attention being given to my mistakes. I dig my heels in and get defensive. And I’ve been doing this for so long that I don’t think I even realize what I am doing. I don’t think I am able to even be honest with myself, too afraid to face what I believe is my own brokenness.
With therapy I’ve gotten to the point that I can usually identify my flawed fight-picking after the fact, then must go about trying to repair whatever damage I might have caused with a friend or family member.
And I can say that I’m not being defensive, it’s just my mental illnesses, and that is true to a degree, but it doesn’t change the damage I might have caused by being defensive and picking a fight that I shouldn’t have.
And the frustration and guilt I feel about picking a fight when I should have just been honest with myself and others feeds into a negative spiral, a new scar that I fear others will see.
It gets better. Slowly, but it does. At least I choose to believe that, because it is something I am still working on. I believe that when you get help, you learn to let others in, so that they might brighten your darkness just a little bit. Like I said though, I’m not there yet. And so I’m sorry for anyone who has to put up with me being defensive and unreasonable, for fear that you might see my flaws. I promise that it isn’t the true me, it is just my mental illnesses.