I wrote on Saturday about how I felt the beginnings of a depression coming on and how I planned to focus on self-care to try to prevent it from getting worse. Well, here is one of the many truly shitty things about mental illness: you can do everything right and it will sometimes still get worse. And that is why I found myself yesterday fighting through a full blown depression.
I try to be honest on this site, but I don’t know if there are words for the fatigue, for the brokenness you feel throughout your body when a full blown depression comes. And you look at the people you love, and who you know love you. But you are broken. And you love them so much that you wished they didn’t love you, that they didn’t have to deal with the frustration that you are sure must accompany your brokenness.
Whenever people die by suicide, those who remain to pick up the pieces wonder how they could have done it, but they don’t know the feeling of wishing that your demons didn’t drag down someone you love, didn’t force them to pick up the slack as you are disintegrating into a puddle of brokenness. And right when you are sure they would be better off without you they hold you tight in the darkness, accompanying you through a hell they can’t see and couldn’t possibly understand. And you wish and you pray that you could find some way of letting them know how much you love them for that.
I’ve been incredibly lucky to have people in my life who truly love me. If I didn’t have them, I probably wouldn’t be here now. That isn’t me being dramatic or hyperbolic. They have saved me and continue to save me, even when I was sure they’d be better off without me.
So if you are considering ending your story, if you are considering that others would be better off without you: I hope you hear me when I say that I’ve been to that hell, I’m there now, and that you shouldn’t trust the lies those demons tell you. The road is treacherous for those of us who suffer from mental illnesses, and the darkness can be unbearable. But there is always light within that darkness, ready and willing to help you come back from hell.