Yesterday, I asked for clarity, both in the form of new glasses and in the form of a better understanding of my mental illnesses. Today, I am asking for a little boost, a little more energy to get through the day. Because each day I seem to end up a little short and each morning I seem to struggle to find any energy at all.
And I know that it isn’t uncommon for people to need caffeine to get them going. I mean, it’s probably not healthy, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t uncommon, and that by itself is certainly not a sign of mental illness.
But when I talk about being tired, when I talk about coming up short on energy, it is a whole different kind, a kind where I’m so tired that I can’t even enjoy my favorite things, the simplest tasks are an endeavor, and I feel like a complete failure as I collapse into a heap on the couch.
Usually this is where our cat comes and meows at me, perhaps annoyed I didn’t say hi to her first, perhaps annoyed I haven’t fed her even though she has an gravity fed feeder and I know there is already food in her bowl.
And you’d think an animal that spends a great deal of time sleeping would cheer me up about not having energy, but she at least does useful things like finds bugs and once a mouse. And then she bursts off in a fit of energy, racing around the house and trying frantically to catch her tail, which is baffling both because why her tail, but also because in my stupor I wonder how any creature could have so much energy.
And so, it’d be great if I could get a little boost please, a rest from this constant fatigue, from the constant depletion of energy as my depression and anxiety drain away what little energy I might have in a desperate effort to smile and pretend that everything is alright. But it’s not.
Its okay to be fatigued. Its okay to not be okay. It will pass. That is what I remind myself as I sit immobile on the couch or the bed. Even though it feels like I will never be right again, I know deep down that this will pass and the boost I need will come.
And if you are struggling with something similar, I promise your boost will come too.