I don’t really know what to write here. I don’t know how to translate my feelings of depression onto a page. Or perhaps it is more accurate to say that my depression doesn’t like having a light shined on it. I talked in a previous post about how, in the midst of the darkness, you can’t see the light that is waiting for you when the depression passes. Well, writing about it sometimes brings that light to you.
I feel like a failure today because I spent the first two and a half hours in bed, lacking the energy to do anything. Finally, I forced myself to make coffee and sit down and write this. Not because I think it will be good, or even care if it is good. Instead, it opens a window, letting others see my darkness, and more importantly letting the light shine in.
My depression and anxiety have always limited me socially. They’ve built barricades upon barricades in my brain, and few have ever been let in, few have seen the darkness within. Some that have seen in have ended up leaving, wanting me to be stronger, wanting me to be brighter. Wanting me to be someone I wasn’t, someone without this terrible battle. And those departures only fortified the wall, perfecting my tendency to keep everyone out.
This project, The Dark Tales Project, is for me. It is me starting to pull down those walls, unshutter the windows, and let the light in.
Yet it is also for all the others out there, the others who still struggle in the darkness. And it is for those who love those of us in the darkness, letting you see into the world so shrouded in shadows and pain.
And if those of you who love us don’t turn away when you look in at our darkness, thank you.
I didn’t know what to write when I started this post because I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to let the light in. I don’t know how to let others in. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try. And it doesn’t mean I don’t want others to see in the windows I throw open either. Because in the darkness is the pain that haunts those of use with these demons. But there is also beauty. There is strength. There is survival.
So thank you for those of you who have read along, not turning away. Thank you to all those who help shine a little extra light through the window. Thank you for helping bring light to the darkness.