I had other things I wanted to talk about today, but it was brought to my attention yesterday that I am angry. And you’re damn right I’m angry.
This realization comes from my therapy session yesterday. While talking about how I manage my mental illnesses, my therapist said it sounded like I was mad about the depression and anxiety, more specifically that I was mad at myself about having anxiety and depression. And she is right.
But what kind of person blames himself for his illness? What kind of person is angry at himself for something he can’t control? I know the answer. I know that it is someone who is human. And I know all the facts and all the statistics and all the logical reasons I shouldn’t be mad at myself. Nevertheless, I am angry at myself and I am angry at my mental illnesses.
And that is okay.
There is no right way to handle an illness, mental or physical. Allowing yourself to feel honestly creates room for you to begin being honest with yourself, which is so incredibly important.
And for me, anger is what I feel, even if it was buried deep, even if I didn’t fully realize it until my therapist brought me to that realization. And if anger is the opposite of apathy, maybe that is what I need to help motivate me in my fight with mental illness.
So you’re damn right I’m angry. It sucks having these limitations, and it is okay to admit that. It is okay to grieve for the things you can’t do because of your illnesses. Because if you learn to manage those emotions instead of letting them manage you, then you will find the seeds of healing.
So thank you as always for reading, and remember, don’t let anyone tell you how to feel about having a mental health diagnosis. It is your mental illness and your reaction to it has to be your own as well.
Right now mine is anger.