Launching from Depression

I am currently emerging from a moderate to severe depressive episode that lasted the last several weeks. It sucked. Correction: it fucking sucked. Correction: it really fucking sucked. You get the picture. 

A depression is dark and humorless. You have no energy and no interest in the things around you. You force yourself through the motions, without ever being able to fully engage. You are just surviving day to day, forcing yourself forward when you just want everything to stop. 

And this past depression added a new wrinkle, something I hadn’t experienced before, which was moments of dissociation, but more on that tomorrow. 

Like I said, it really fucking sucked. 

Yet coming out of a depression is like coming out of a deep sleep and immediately being on a sugar rush. You are alert, focused, and you have so much energy that you charge into the world like a bat our of hell. And in some ways you are right out of hell, a hell of your own mind’s creation. And while you realize this is probably just the non-depressed person’s amount of energy, it feels so much higher to you because you started so much lower. 

This is, perhaps, the one gift of depression. You experience normals and joys so much more deeply and are so much more thankful that the darkness isn’t here today. Sometimes I wish we all could experience life the way a depressive does when coming out of the darkness and into the light. I think we’d all be more appreciative. Because launching from depression is like launching into a whole other world and a whole different you. 

 

That is where I am today, launching from depression and enjoying every minute until I come crashing back down.

8 thoughts on “Launching from Depression”

  1. So sorry that this particular depressive episode was so bad, but am thankful that you are rising out of that episode! I am in total agreement with you about enjoying the normal and the joys so much more when we are on the rise of a depressive episode. Thanks for sharing!

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  2. Ouch. How long do the good periods last? I know so well sitting atop the roller-coaster looking at the next dip. The odd thing is that for much of the non depressed period I hardly recognise that I do get depressed nor the strong liklihood that another dip will come. I suppose the moral is simply to enjoy the periods if light while they shine.

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    1. Yes, that is absolutely the moral. I would say I’v had more good days the last month or two because of meds and therapy, but I would say there is still a long way to go. And as you said it is very much like a roller coaster.

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    1. Thanks for the comment, Pamela. While it is true that an accurate diagnosis can be a challenge, I have never experience the full mania typically associated with bipolar disorder, and none of the therapists I have seen think I have that. Rather they all agree it is major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. Thanks for the comment though!

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