Yesterday was a day of immense frustration, as the various forms of technology in my life kept failing. Instead of making my life more convenient, these things made life far more frustrating.
First, my debit card had been turned off because of a fraud alert that the bank told me had already been addressed. Then, when I tried to contact the bank through their app, that didn’t work. Then, I went to Hertz’s website to try to rent a car for Thanksgiving, only to be told repeatedly that I had to correct an error in the address field, only the page wasn’t showing an address field. And when I thought I had finally navigated these various frustrations, my phone decided it was done with me for good, crashing and transforming itself into a very expensive paperweight.
Sigh. Thanksgiving this year for me is in Lancaster County, PA, which is Amish country. And apparently, fate wants me to just go ahead and become Amish while I am there.
In some ways I feel like the change in lifestyle would be good for my anxiety. Or at least I thought that until I was disconnected from my phone for a few hours and wondered how I would connect with the rest of the world if this hiccup with my phone were more than just a brief inconvenience. Once I got past my technology addiction, it would probably be okay, but man it would be an adjustment, and not necessarily a good one. See, people and a sense of connection are important for me, and technology allows me to stay connected when I am too broken to leave my house.
The other thing I found myself thinking, as I morosely pondered life without my phone, was how I felt like all these technical glitches were somehow my fault. They are of course frustrations that everyone must deal with, but one of the things about mental illness is that it makes it seem like everything is your fault. And so I doubt I would have any better luck if I were to take fate up on it’s apparent desire for me to become Amish. This is who I am and I have to learn how to live with it, rather than looking for real estate in Amish country. The Amish are truly the Salt of the Earth people who I have great respect for. Yet these failures, rather than pushing me to join such a community (which come to think of it I’m not even sure is possible), are just a part of living in our modern world. And thinking that they are my fault are just part of living with mental illness. And recognizing that the guilt is just the lies mental illness tells is part of managing those diseases and working towards recovery.
So while I won’t be becoming Amish because of the failures of my technology, I must smile at the forced introspection an evening away from tech gave me. Maybe occasionally being a little more Amish wouldn’t be the worst thing.
P.S. I’m sorry if this post seems all over the place. It makes sense in my head, but I am really bad at judging what that looks like to the outside world. Normally I have more time to research and revise my posts, but this one is what is is.