When Robin Williams died by suicide, when Kate Spade died by suicide, indeed when any celebrity dies by suicide, the reaction is the same. How could someone who has it all end it all? Yet depression and suicidal ideation knows no economic limit. And sometimes, too often in fact, depression brings the bad when the good comes.
Part of it, for me at least, is that my impostor syndrome convinces me that anything good is merely a mistake, and that it is only a matter of time until it disappears. Part of it is that my depression tries to convince me that I don’t deserve good things. Either way, the good brings the bad, and it sucks.
And the good experiences happening around me reach me through a fog. Objectively, I know this is enjoyable. I know the right mask to put on so that I can hide my depression from others. And the moments often are ones that I will treasure, especially when the fog of depression disappears. Still, at that moment, it sometimes seems like I am just watching the good moments, unable to enjoy them.
This seems unfathomable to those who don’t have depression. Yet anhedonia, the inability to enjoy things you typically enjoy, is a common symptom of depression. And one thing I’ve noticed is that in those moments, it is so important that you reach out to the support persons you have. Because when it is all bad, the people in your life can see your battle and are there to help you. Yet if you hide behind a mask when the good brings the bad, you suffer in silence, which can be the most dangerous. And there are always people who will be there for you when the darkness comes. Whether the darkness comes with the good or the bad, there are people who will be there. And honestly, the world would rather help than read your obituary.
If you need someone to talk to, call 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) or text 741741.